14102987_10102539074885643_1485098748606737518_o

Man oh man, this whole stepping into motherhood with two thing, has really been kicking my booty. I am deciding today to come on to my little personal blog and just share my heart with whoever comes to read it. And the sad thing is, I know that if I look back on the history of this blog, there have been gaps in months that I haven’t written because well, sometimes when life gets crazy, mommy has to put her hobbies on the back burner. Does that mean that it’s right to do that? Of course not, but as they say, something’s gotta give.

Being a newly found stay at home mom has been a mixture of things for me. There is the joys of being with my kids everyday, not having to stress about their care, and getting to experience every little new thing with them. Something I try not to take for granted, but know that I do from time to time. I had been preparing myself as best I could mentally for the transition to two and the transition to staying at home with two. From the time I was pregnant with little G, things were different. It may have been the few scares during the pregnancy, or the stress of being pregnant while still raising a toddler and working full time, but I didn’t feel as connected to him while I was pregnant as I had while pregnant with little M. I now see that I had been in a bit of a prenatal depression. This unfortunately spilled over to after he was born and then manifested into a battle with baby blues, which stuck around too long. After much resistance, I now admit that I have been struggling with postpartum depression.

I have learned that this comes in many shapes and forms. Most people think that if you are wanting to harm yourself or your children, that is how you know you have postpartum depression. So not true. It had been frustrating to have to live with and process what this has meant for me, without the support from doctors. I hardly have time to go to the doctor with two kids, and to fill out a 7 question sheet that primarily asks if you want to harm yourself or your children be the black and white diagnosing tool is very frustrating. Since the sliding scale of my answers pointed to “probably not depressed” I was sent home with a prescription for vitamin D. When I later followed up with a nurse who is supposed to be my specialized care, and I shared with her my concerns, her answer was “I can tell by just looking at you that you don’t have postpartum depression.” How intuitive.

I have been slowly pulling myself out of the black fog that had settled over me by being open and honest. By stating that I am struggling. By having the courage to write a post like this. My hope is that I can help others to not feel so alone. It is scary and isolating to feel this way. To be someone like me that cares (too much) about what others may think of me, the weakness to show vulnerability in my struggles with this illness has been strong. I have been afraid to speak the words that I am having a hard time. But I understand that being this isolated and confused about what has been going on isn’t helping me rebuild, and that writing about it and being vulnerable is how I can best express myself and start the process to truly heal.

A large part of my postpartum depression has been my struggle to find myself in this new role. Finding who you are, in general, is a journey. Seasons of life change as new major events happen. Now that I am 9+ months in to this new gig, I thought I would have it all figured out. Or mostly figured out, but the truth is, I definitely do not. I put a lot of myself into my career. I put a lot into being a working mom. I am a college graduate and am very proud of that, being the first of my siblings to have done so. I worked hard to get where I was in my career. So to make the decision to stay home with the kids was a hard one. But I never thought it would have been this hard on me. Allowing myself to have the time and GRACE to work through this transition and figure out what I need, what my family needs, is essential. I am on the journey to getting there.

20160306_195718

About two years ago, I found an awesome table at a local Goodwill that I had big dreams for. It was pine colored, and needed some TLC, but I had a vision. I wanted to experiment with fabric, and so after painting the table white, I updated it with a fabric table top.

After living with the table at our entry way for 2 years, I started to not appreciate the color choice as my taste changed and I realized it was really hard to keep clean. I was going to sell the piece and get something different, but then I had another vision of what would be better for this table that better fit my style (or the style I want to have!)

I found an awesome 6 pack of reclaimed wood from Hobby Lobby while browsing for craft supplies, that was perfect for what I wanted to do on the table. I bought two packs to make sure I had enough, and brought them home to lay them out on the table. After figuring out how I wanted to lay them out, we did some measurements and got to work cutting the boards to fit the table. We used wood glue to secure them down on the table, right on top of the fabric. We also put a few screws underneath to have the boards lay more flat, as some weren’t laying as flat as I wanted.

It was a nice 2 hour little DIY project and I am LOOOOOVING the results. It has the perfect rustic, farmhouse look that I am being drawn to and now I am so happy that I didn’t end up selling it, as this project update cost under $20!

20160306_195710

2016-03-07 02.14.40

20160306_195726

 

image

Now for something a little more light hearted…

I may be a crazy lady with the things I get myself into sometimes. I get an urge of motivation to complete a DIY project in my house and can’t stop obsessing over it until it is done. Since I’m at home with the kids, I just sit and day dream about all the new things I want to do in the house. I’ve wanted to white- wash the brick on our huge fireplace for some time. That time was apparently nap time on a Tuesday.

For some miracle I got both of the kids down for a nap at the same time and they both napped an oddly long amount of time (thank you Jesus!) We had an open can of white paint from some of our other projects, so I mixed equal parts water with the paint. I used about 2 cups of water and 2 cups of paint. The white-washing paint mix actually goes a long way, so I could have probably just done 1 to 1.

image

I started to go through and paint the brick which was scary and exciting at the same time. You have to move very quickly. The brick sucks up the paint mix and also makes it drip down if you’re not careful. I also had a wet cloth handy to do a little scrubbing on the bricks after a row was painted to bring the intensity down a bit. An optional thing to do.

I was happy with how it turned out when done, and it didn’t take too long at all! I stepped back and couldn’t handle the nasty brown wood color. I have wanted to redo our mantel for some time, but that was another project completely  (aka something the hubbs needed to be in on). I looked at the time, looked at the half pail of white paint, and decided to start to paint the wood.

image

I was instantly happy with how it was turning out, but whatever kind of wood they used in the 70s was ridiculously gritty and hard to paint. It sucked up each stroke of paint like crazy. I was determined and kept going as far as I could before the kids woke up.

image

image

The greatest prayer a mama has is that her children stay healthy. I pray for many other things (wisdom, compassion, faith, strength, etc) over my children as well, but health and protection are always the most prominent.

I’ve prayed especially over Gavin. Even in the womb, at just a few weeks gestation, we were getting news that things didn’t look absolutely perfect like you hope to hear. We prayed. Family prayed. Strangers prayed. Small groups prayed. Gavin defied it all through God’s miraculous healing hands. All of the things we were told could be true while in utero were wiped clean by God’s hand.

Now, what we were being told they were seeing “is common”. To someone who only wants to hear everything looks perfectly healthy, there is no common. There was only getting on knees to pray. There was only laying hands on my belly. There was only anointing with oil. God had a plan for him.

After birth, only a few short weeks into this life, new worries arose. Gavin’s breathing was different. His chest seemed to retract. His chin seems recessed. All things people and doctors shrugged off. Mama bear did not. I pushed for answers. Did my own research. And we now have a confirmed diagnosis. Laryngomalacia.

I keep saying how thankful I am. There are so many other diseases, illnesses, deformities that children have. We are extremely blessed that this is the diagnosis. We are blessed it is mild. We are blessed that he is gaining weight. We are blessed that he is able to breastfeed. We are blessed that he seems to not have reflux. We are blessed, we are blessed, we are blessed.

The prognosis is that he will grow out of it. They don’t think his chin will cause any problems and will also grow correctly. There are many variables and a long road ahead of constant watch. If he gets sick, even a small common cold, we will most likely spend our time at Children’s. It’s scary to have something that affects his airway. It’s scary when he chokes while eating. But we have faith. We continue to pray and lay hands on him. We give thanks to God for the incredible blessing Gavin is.

Gavin, meaning White Hawk; hawk of the battle. He will soar above this battle because there is victory in the name of Jesus.

image

image

As I look back on turning 30, and welcome in the new year, I can’t help but reflect on all that my 20s brought. One phrase that kept repeating in my head as I thought through all that had happened  was “I became”. Let me explain…

I BECAME a college graduate. I was the first in my immediate family to go to a 4 year university. It was exciting, scary, and taught independence. It was the absolute best decision I had made in my young life. Not only did I become a WSU Cougar, a KD, a PR major and Hospitality minor, but I became part of a family of tradition, legacy, memories and had some of the best years of my life.

I BECAME a wife. Another great thing to come out of going to college was meeting my husband. B was someone  different that made me a better person and who I had a ton of fun with. We moved to Hawaii together after college which was another great adventure to add to my 20s.

I BECAME a baptized Christian. I grew up in the Catholic Church and during college and after meeting my husband, I identified more with the non denominational Christian church. We were both baptized as Christians together in Hawaii with our church One Love.

I BECAME a home owner. Moving into a home that was our ownership has been something I’m very proud of. It may not be the newest, but it’s ours,  and that makes it wonderful. We are constantly doing upgrades and finding our style, which is hard work but something we are very proud of.

I BECAME a career woman. Immediately after graduating from college, I had some time at Starbucks corporate, which I absolutely loved as my first out of college career. My career was stalled briefly when we moved to Hawaii for my husband to pursue his career dreams. After moving home from Hawaii, I embarked on a career journey at Microsoft that gave me many great opportunities. During my latest time at Microsoft, I found a love for Visual Merchandising. I continued to work hard to further my career there and find my passion in my work, while balancing life at home.

I BECAME a mother. Bringing two beautiful babies into the world has changed my life and heart beyond measure. What a gift and blessing it is to become a mother. I am in a season of focusing on how to be the best mother I can be to these two, which has its daily challenges, but is a job I wouldn’t trade.

The 20s were such an amazing, challenging, searching, life-changing, adventurous time. Can’t wait for all to come in this next decade!