time

A friend of mine just shared a blog of a friend that she knows that lost her daughter to Leukemia at 2.5 years old. 2 and half years old. A blink of time.

I get so caught up in life – work, the house, what chores need to be done, what projects I want to start on the house, what plans we have coming up. I try really hard to make sure everything is moving smoothly and that everybody is happy. I worry constantly about how my house must look to other people. I worry constantly that I may come off as not being the most “domestic housewife”. I blame any of what I feel are my short-comings on the fact that I am just too busy. While this is definitely true, I also think that if I was to be a stay-at-home-mom {disclaimer: which does NOT mean that I think I wouldn’t be busy} I am not sure if I would still be the “perfect domestic housewife”.

I am not a very good cook. I suck at cleaning. There always seems like WAY too much to do! But I am an awesome mom. I am a decent wife. A pretty good friend. Sometimes creative. I can be pretty goofy, if I feel comfortable around you. I am a really hard worker. A great team-player. Detail oriented like a champ.

All of the things I am and am not, seem to come and go when it comes to how much I worry about them or feel judged for them. Especially after becoming a mother.

Stories like the one I read about my friends-friend that lost her child hit me so hard. This one in particular hit me even harder. I don’t know if it is because of how much I have been whining about the lack of sleep lately, how frustrating it is to have a “teething toddler” or how upset I get when M throws her milk cup off her tray – again. I have been getting frustrated lately with how she will not let me put her down to bed, because all she wants to do is hold tight to me and cuddle. Typing that last sentence stung quite a bit.

After I read the blog’s about page, which my friend directed me to, I pretty much immediately started crying. I went to go switch out some laundry, and just started to ball right there at the dryer. It was a cleansing cry. It was full of internal frustration, prayer, anger, hurt, imagining the pain that family {and so many others} go through when losing a child. People told me that “you would get it” once you had children, and oh do I get it. I get how much joy comes from being a mother. I get how much worry and fear of ever losing that joy comes from being a mother.

Today, and hopefully everyday from here on out, I choose to be grateful. I choose to be present. I choose to love, cuddle, play with, enjoy every moment with M. Even if it means, holding her whenever she needs, because she is in a “clingy phase”. Bring it on. There is a {big} part of me that after reading that thought, that’s it, I want to sell this house, move into a tiny house that maybe I can manage to keep clean {haha} and just stay at home because the blink of time that I get to be a mother will be over before I know it. Anytime I feel judged by others about how unsuccessful I am being at this whole “domestic” thing – working mom or not, I know that none of that matters as much as the love I give daily to my family.

This was the blog page that I read today: http://cheektocheekstrong.wordpress.com/about/

 

What did you think of this? Please share your thoughts, ideas and comments!