I love research. I Google everything. Read the articles. Check-out the books from the library. Talk to friends. Join the forums. Knowledge is power. Power is control. Control means nothing can phase me. Right?
Here’s the thing. Control is fear. Fear of failure, fear of shame, fear of loss. Fear isn’t trust. It’s the opposite. Fear isn’t faith. It completely takes away faith.
Having children has been the greatest teacher in letting go of control. I planned and prepared in so many areas, yet I’m still left standing completely puzzled and exhausted on where to go next. When all of the ideas I’ve read haven’t worked, I am reminded to go back to faith and trusting God and the innate tools God has built inside of me to be my children’s mother.
My joke has been that I breed non-sleepers, and that seems to be as close to the truth as anything else. They both suffer from fomo (fear of missing out) and my youngest is currently rejecting his crib. I’ve spent so much time and anxiety trying to “fix” him, I forgot how to listen to him and my own intuition.
Because I read somewhere that if I don’t get him to sleep in his own room, I’m somehow creating a monster of a human being, I’ve tried tirelessly (no pun intended) to get him to sleep in his own room. On top of being sick with pneumonia and weaning him all at the same time. Since I had pneumonia, I’ve been forced to slow down and receive some help. Which gave me time to really dig deep on some things.
And one of the biggest points of clarity on my downtime? How little time we have.
We live in such a hurried world, with so much pressure on how to do everything perfectly, that I am throwing it out!! Enough with what everyone else says I need to do. Enough with what everyone else says is best. Or what worked for them. Right now, holding that baby boy in my bed as he drifts off to sleep is what we need. It’s what he needs. It allows us to have a full nights rest. And I get to hold my precious baby a little tighter, a little closer, as no one knows how long that will last.
As my precious boys breath fell into sync with mine, and he curled his tiny fingers into my hair which is what soothes him, I started to feel tears hit my pillow. Tears of my shame letting go. Tears of the pressure fading. Tears of thankfulness to God for giving me the sacred gift of motherhood that so many yearn for.
It may not be what works for others. It may be annoying some nights when I just want my bed back. But it’s our life. Our family. And remembering what works best for you and your family is paramount. So throw out the books if they just bring you shame and pressure. That’s not what this is all about. It’s about love and freedom in knowing that you are choosing what is best for your family.